Can Boys & Girls JUST be friends?

It’s easy to answer yes or no to posed questions. Are you okay? Are you hungry? Will Ashanti ever braid her sideburns? You can easily state ‘yes’, ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to those three questions. But it would never be good enough. Yes and no are too easy.
So with that said, can guys and girls be friends?
No.
Now, every rule has exceptions. An ugly woman can be friends with way more guys than an attractive woman can. Mainly since, well, she’s not cute.
Not being rude but…well, yea, I have to be rude to prove this point. Ugly women have more successful opposite sex friendships, followed by lesbians and virgins.
And it’s for simple reasons. Ugly women are bad notches on a guy’s belt, lesbians don’t enjoy penis and virgins are scared of penises. So hanging out with these particular women make it easier for a guy’s second head not to interfere with his first, which we all know is usually when things can get a little hazy for a fella looking for release.
No guy has ever introduced himself to a female with the intent of becoming her friend. That midnight confidant she turns to as she struggles with the mental and physical hurdles of being a woman. That is only a means of staying in a woman’s life long enough for her to call you when she’s crying, for you to provide a shoulder and by the end of the evening you are soothing her sorrows with strokes while Janet’s ‘Would You Mind’ plays in the background.
You should have seen the sign-in sheet in my sophomore year dorm at Hampton University. Every chick who signed in was bad as hell. But for the most part, all of them were friends of mine. When dormmates would ask me why they were just friends and not a lineup of butt naked wrestlers, I’d simply say, ‘I got at her, it didn’t go down, so now we’re friends.
I wanted most of these girls to fulfill the role of my future ex-wife but they weren’t having it. So I went the friend route, hoping that one day down the line, they’d realize my greatness was just something they couldn’t pass up and we’d eventually engage in the butt naked wrestling that my male friends were rooting for from the beginning.
Now mind you, I have friendships with some beautiful, intelligent, funny, amazing women that I wouldn’t trade for the world. These friendships in a lot of ways stabilize me, keep me grounded and focused. I blame it on me growing up with two sisters and being close to my mom, I have a way of building bonds with women.
But that in no way means that I chose for it to be this way. My current best female friend had to be asked, ‘So there is no chance of us ever being together?’ before I could accept the friendship. At this point, I recognize we would have been terrible together anyway, but still. The friendship was never the intent because I was physically attracted to her.
A good friend of mine, Andrea, who is quite frankly one of the most wife material women I know, says this: “Guys will almost always cross boundaries if allowed. Women, whether they realize it or not, set the expectations.”
So so true.
If a woman looks good, and wants to be my friend, then it is up to me to be that friend – until her raggedy ass boyfriend screws up and she realizes just how great I am.
See, God made Adam and Eve. He made them to be one with one another, in all their naked glory. He didn’t say to Adam, ‘Let me get one of your ribs so I can make you a friend.’ He said, ‘I got this new creation you are really going to enjoy.’ In other words, even God knew that men and women should be physical tandems first and foremost, and friends secondary.
Hell, who were really the first male and female “friends” anyway? I think Jesus might have been the first person to have a female friend and that was only cause of the whole Son of God thing. I know the 100-percent of him that was man was in a constant battle with his Godliness with all these partially clothed women walking by prepared to bow at his feet.
Now, I’m worried about my Christianity when I’m putting my Lord and Savior in this light but it speaks on this subject at the highest level.
Men and women were not meant to be friends.

-Ronald P. Clark

27 Comments

  1. Hmm. Interesting article Ronald. You made some valid points about the friendships between males and females. I can’t believe you said some of the things you said. You really took it there with a few comments. I did laugh though. Overall, I love your humor and confidence.

    Posted by Cynthia on 01 August 10 at 3:16am
  2. I love the article its amazing writing as always. But, I have to say that I somewhat disagree. I have guy friends that yes, wanted something more with me. But my very best friend in the whole world is a guy. One who I know for a fact has never wanted to be with me. He wanted to be with our other best friend lol which is where I agree with everything you have said. Love your writing so much!! Keep it coming!!

    Posted by Francesca h. on 01 August 10 at 10:04am
  3. I have to agree. When I grew out of my ugly duckling phase, and loss my virginity, I saw a substantial decrease in my male friends. At first I was upset. I came to college asking, “why is it that all the guys I try to befriend, want to sleep with me?” But you’ve explained it perfectly. I’m a heterosexual, mildly attractive, sexually active female. Why wouldn’t they? lol
    SN: I love your writing, keep it up!

    Posted by Ashley Richardson on 01 August 10 at 11:25am
  4. This article is just what I needed. I mean, I met this girl and I really had intentions on hooking up with her, but at the time she had a boyfriend. We talked (as friends) while she was going with this guy, but things were kind of going downhill with their relationship. I saw this as my opportunity to present her with my true feelings about her. I asked her would there ever be something more between us than a friendship connection. She said there could be more one day and that was that. However, things got a little more complicated when she wanted to judge my kiss one day. Then on another occasion we kissed again, but this time there was a little more intimacy (or at least that’s what I thought), but then she totally goes another route on me and brings up her ex and how she wanted to be with him again. I kind of brought up the “more than friends” issue between us again and she then tells me just wants to be single and wants us to remain friends and nothing more. She even said that she can see me as nothing more than a friend. Needless to say, I was crushed and I really can’t see us as friends. I mean I want to be with this girl as her man, not her “friend”, But anyway, I feel I may have just blew my chances at getting with her all together, and now we haven’t talked to each other in a while…
    Any suggestions on what I may have done wrong? or what steps can I take to get another chance at getting with her?

    Posted by Dustin C. on 01 August 10 at 11:41am
  5. This was an interesting read. I want to first point out that I laughed the entire time I read this. I laughed for two reasons; this guy is hilarious with the word play and because this article holds so many truths its ridiculous.

    The male mind is a beautiful thing.

    Posted by Tay Ya Flocka Flame on 01 August 10 at 3:29pm
  6. This is an excellent article! I think people who are in serious relationships should read this article, particularly the women. Us as women sometimes do think that we can just be friends with a guy, not knowing what the guys intentions are. I think women should be aware of this and know how the male species is thinking! In relationships, the guy doesn’t want the girl to have guy friends and the girl doesn’t want the guy to have girl friends. For respect out of their relationship, they need to have an understanding of the term “friend” when it comes to the opposite sex. They should respect each others concerns when one doesn’t want the other to be friends with the opposite sex. There’s always a method to the madness!!! :)

    Posted by Vanelle on 01 August 10 at 4:45pm
  7. Awesome article Ronald, you have always had attractive female friends around you, one day you will fond your future ex-wife lol

    Posted by CP on 01 August 10 at 8:12pm
  8. Before reading this article, I would have instantly said yes and left it as is. After reading it though, you brought up some good points. Most of my male friends did try to date me, or they are gay. I must say that I did love this article! Can’t wait to read more…

    Posted by Brittany Alana on 01 August 10 at 9:18pm
  9. Men & Women will never be able to be friends as long as attraction is an emotion. Everyone’s mind is on sex and getting in people’s pants instead of getting to know them first, Sadly. But I loved the honesty Ronald!! Very well put.

    Posted by Araina W. on 01 August 10 at 9:22pm
  10. Nice article Ron!! Women can be naive thinking that their guy friends want to be just that! I think it also needs to be put out there that women try to come off as “friends” as well when they have other intentions.

    Posted by Kosi on 01 August 10 at 9:45pm
  11. I agree..men and women can’t be friends if the woman is attractive..yeah he basically will be the ‘friend’ until her dumb boyfriend messes up, like you said. He’s on stand by waiting for his attractive friend to need him…If a pretty woman walks by, a man doesn’t whisper to his friend ‘that one over there lookin real nice so you already know i gotta get that friendship’ lol….this article was very frank, humorous and well written….good job

    Posted by Rae'Nisha Clark on 01 August 10 at 10:54pm
  12. My bottom jaw dropped a couple of times. What a fun article.

    Posted by svn on 02 August 10 at 7:38am
  13. keep grinding, well played sir

    i think the followup article here is ‘boy’s and girls don’t wanna be friends’

    Posted by mr wit a k on 02 August 10 at 9:25am
  14. I have to respectfully but vehemently disagree, but also take issue with the reasons you set forth.

    First, the notion that men only want to engage with friendships with women because they are sexually unavailable (lesbians), undesirable (those deemed “ugly”) or unattainable (virgins) supports this idea that men are not sentient beings with minds and emotions, but are led solely by sexual urges, and that the only purpose for women to men is sexual. And this idea is further supported when you argue that men “accept” friendship from women as some sort of consolation prize after unsuccessfully attempting to bed her. This is not viewing women as human beings, but as sexual objects; this isn’t desire for companionship, but a means of sexual release. And if this is the basis for “friendship” then it isn’t friendship, because a true friendship should be based on a mutual desire of happiness for the other party. If one party is simply “settling” for the friendship, not truly wanting but passively accepting, how can the other trust their motivations and intentions for their friendship? Not saying it’s impossible, but carrying that mentality into the friendship, that you’re “willing” to “accept” or “settle” for friendship, is not a good foundation. Furthermore, to assume that a man has a desire to enter into a sexual relationship with every attractive women he meets again reinforces the idea that men are lead with their penis. It detaches emotion from sex, which can be done, but it is dehumanizing to assume that is every man’s intent. And to assert that essentially women were *created* with the sole intent of being the object of man’s sexual desire is dehumanizing as well (I point to your assertion about Adam and Eve). Not to mention that by the end, you’ve answered the questions “do men want to be friends with women?” and “were men and women meant to be friends?” (which I still disagree with your argument) as opposed to “can men and women be friends?” By your own admission, you do have female friends, so the answer to the latter one would assume would be “yes” as you yourself carry on male/female friendships.

    Also, this heteronormative discussion assumes the sexuality of all men to be heterosexual and only makes casual mention of women with same-sex attraction to dismiss this an unavailable sexual beings to heterosexual men. In doing this, whether intentional or not, you “other” homosexual men and essentially posit them as not men at all. If your rationale is that men and women can’t be friends because of a sexual urge on the part of men, then what of men that do not possess that urge? Are they no longer men?

    I think your argument does a disservice to the idea that we are more than just our physical/sexual desires and reinforces a sense of hyper-masculinity and dehumanization of women into mere sexual conquests of men. If men only desire female companionship in the cases where the woman is unavailable to them sexually, does they value women for their fullness as a human beings, or are they simply biding their time until women change their minds about exploring a sexual relationship? And I focus on the sexual aspect because that seems to be the crux of your reasoning for why (hetero)men and (hetero)women can not/should not/aren’t meant to be friends. I think the notion is false and is proven false by casual observance of any social situation that (hetero)men and (hetero)women are perfectly capable of carrying on platonic friendships, even in situations where they may think their friends are attractive. Simply thinking another is physically attractive does not mean one is attracted to them.

    Posted by Mychal Denzel Smith on 02 August 10 at 1:48pm
  15. Thank you for all of your comments folks. It is greatly appreciated. I enjoyed writing this piece and I’m thankful that I was able to entertain, enlighten and in some cases, even worry some of you. But it was all fun and I appreciate you coming along for the ride. It’s only the beginning.

    But I can’t sit back and allow Mychal Smith’s diatribe to sit here without a response from myself, the writer of this piece.

    First and foremost Mychal, thank you for reading. I know it took a lot out of you to read something with my name attached to it since we clearly come from different backgrounds, different literary circles and different frames of mind.

    To your comments: If you think that men introduce themselves to women with the intent of befriending them then you are sadly mistaken. For those of us who have grown up surrounded by male friends who engaged in conversation about the opposite sex on the regular, we all know that the first thought of a woman is in a physical manner. It isn’t because that’s all we think about when it comes to them, but it is the first thing. No heterosexual man has ever looked at a girl and said ‘You know what? I think she would make a damn good friend.’ Doesn’t happen. Like I stated in my piece, I have beautiful, platonic friendships with multiple women that I care deeply about on an emotional, psychological and mental level. I wouldn’t change these relationships for the world. But, as previously stated, the majority of these friendships were not predicated on the fact that I yearned for female companionship in the sense of a friendship. It just so happened to be the end result of the relationship.

    I have female friends to this day who, if they wanted to pursue it, I would be more than happy to see what could happen between us. And this is due to the fact that I now know and understand who they are wholly and see them as wonderful women who could be potential mates. Yes, the friendship is great but I can’t hide the fact that what makes the friendship strong (the mental connection) would only be enhanced by the physical. The best relationships come from the best friendships but even the friendship has to cross that barrier, the option is ALWAYS there. Like I stated in my piece, my current female best friend was at first an interest. Then I got to know her and realized that what makes our friendship great (our sarcasm, our arguments, our dry humor) would make us horrible as a couple. Thus, a friendship is formed. If that wasn’t the case, and our chemistry was more on the flirtation side, the thought would still be on my mind to pursue something further if ever given the opportunity. My closest female friends to this day are girls from my past that I’ve had relationships with or relationship-type activities with. There is nothing wrong with that. This whole diatribe you put together about demeaning women is just your way of bringing your singular view to another public forum. If you could sit here right now and tell me that with the opportunity, you would not engage in physical activity with a woman you deem attractive that is your friend, then I’d let you be. But you can’t, and you know it. You may not admit it, like I will, but it’s there.

    Then bringing up the homosexual argument was just pointless. This is clearly and obviously a piece in reference to “platonic” relationships between heterosexuals.

    Your argument leans heavily on the after effect of meeting a woman. Of course if you get to know her and you aren’t compatible then the thoughts of being with her physically diminish. That doesn’t need to be said. But if the chemistry is there mentally, as it was physically in the beginning, and the opportunity arose to take advantage, 99.9% (you being the 0.01%) of heterosexual men would take advantage. And not even just in a sexual manner. But in a ‘let’s take this friendship to the next level’ type of way. You make it seem as if I’m saying I would destroy a friendship for the opportunity to have sex with one of my attractive friends. I’m saying that, as a heterosexual man, the women you deem attractive in your life will almost always have the ‘what if’ factor tied to them, until permanently destroyed through the platonic friendship’s growth. And even then, there is still that piece that bites at you on occasion.

    Best relationships come from friendships. Men and women were put here to pro-create. You can’t pro-create with all of them, you can’t date all of them, but when you meet them, that’s where your mind goes first. And if pushed back to that location, a man would happily oblige returning to the state of attraction. Whether you like it or not. But of course, you don’t.

    Posted by Ronald P. Clark on 02 August 10 at 5:44pm
  16. Interesting article. Just a comment here, on that the “man” Jesus would not have been in conflict with the “God” Jesus because he had no sin, which means no lust whatsoever, lust being the whole reason this article exists.

    Aside from that, I’d say, even as a virgin, most of the stuff here is true to some extent or another.

    Posted by John Cole on 16 August 10 at 10:22pm
  17. Nice blog!

    Posted by Adam Logain on 20 August 10 at 9:15am
  18. I was very happy to hear this from a male perspective. No need to apologize for the unsolved dilemma, I think admitting to the fact that at the end of the day most guys want a good girl is relief enough for us good girls! It gets hard sometimes feeling like you’re preserving yourself…for what? Definitely not for someone who doesn’t know what they want. It truly does take a mature young man to wait on an abstinent girl whom he finds “wifey type” anyway. “Blessings Come with Patience” Is the motto I live by.
    Thanks for the blog! =)

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