Day Late and $1 Short- I_Wish_We_Never_Did_It…
…. created a friendship that is.
Social Norms + Tradition are two things that effect us daily and we try our best to maintain them. Some are already mapped out for us, and others create their own and determine what’s right by…adapting to the current situation. We often have a “plan” that we throw in there and like most of the time; your plan does not begin to unravel like you were hoping. Throw in reproduction, and that’s where you be tested. Whether you go the “Traditional”, accident or the unplanned route, if you aren’t prepared for that change…oh and I really do mean change, I promise you, life will hand you the scantron to it’s hardest test EVER. Single mothers, fathers, and the wimmenz and menz who are considering or completely against dating someone with a child(ren)….y’all pull up a chair.
Ladies you meet this guy at a small gathering one of your homegirls put together. This man has everything you are looking for, from his well-tailored outfit to his developing career. He approached you like NOBODY has ever done. Let’s even throw the corny “You had me at “Hello”” line in this scenario for the hell of it. You all were even flirting in between rounds of Men vs. Women Taboo (which I am VERY good at btw). Yeah he alluhdat. You are on your third glass of Sauvignon Blanc and after another hour of flirting with this man, the convo progresses into more personal exchange and he mentions that he has a child. Your heart drops and your “I KNEW IT” light bulb goes off. You truly believe that ALL the good ones either like heels just as much as you do or….have a child.
Fast-forward a couple of months. You all are STILL communicating because after all there is NOTHING wrong with this man; he just has some “baggage” (I hate that term).
“See a person long enough, you know you bound to get fly with ‘em…Care for ‘em, be more than ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ with‘em” – Joe Budden “All of Me”
You are starting to see some truth in this quote and for that reason you didn’t completely cut him off. There is nothing wrong with being friends right? Right. Your mom and your homegirls know about this guy and have been expressing their uncertainty. What do you do?
People HATE being #2 is someone’s life and that’s pretty much how it is for a person dating someone with “baggage”. Especially with women who have always looked forward to procreating their entire life. He has to deal with the emotions and or insecurities of that person because you gave another woman one of the greatest gifts ever. Certain things they want to experience for the first time together, and you can’t get experience that experience with someone that already had a child…or can you?
I’m semi cocky, so my thought process is a little different. You ate some skittles before, but baby you haven’t eaten skittles with ME! You been to Paris with ole buddy, but you ain’t been to Paris with ME! *Aggravating woman voice* “But Toine giving birth and going to Paris for first time with someone is TOTALLY different. What’s your point?” My point is that you haven’t experienced that particular moment with that particular special someone. I’ll be damn if I’m thinking about my moment with another woman while I’m a prisoner to the current moment….with you.
Once we get past that “Shame” stage things start to smooth out. Everybody is not built for this; you AND your relationship will be tested. You can bend but don’t break.
But guess what…you are STILL not the only one uncertain.
When someone goes against the “social norms” and tradition, and decides not to be with the person they had a child with, things start to take a toll…emotionally. Having a child is a deal breaker for most people and they are firm with their decision. Therefore you (the person with the “baggage”) will start to feel like…damaged goods almost. It takes a special person to step in and assist you with raising someone else’s child. A lot of people fear that role because of the “social norms” and well…tradition. Nobody has time to be on that emotional roller coaster. People will go in and out of your life so if you are going to chill and casually date then do that. The number one priority should be your child(dren) and protecting them, everything else should come second. If you are looking for that next person in your life to be the LAST, take your time and be sure to hold on to your receipt. Never give someone more than you want to leave with. © Joe Budden.