Guest Writer Spotlight: Enitan Bereola II
Along with being one of our amazing features this month, we thought it would be blasphemy to not allow Mr. Bereolaesque himself to write a little something about what goes wrong when men and women try to maintain relationships without proper communication. Our guest writer, Enitan Bereola II breaks it down like only he can. Enjoy!
Communication Killed Assumption
Written by: Enitan Bereola, II
In today’s news, assumption was found dead and communication has been arrested in connection with the murder.
The miscommunication of male and female relations has led to debate, divorce and death. Man and woman’s understanding of each other is only half the battle. Communication with the opposite sex is like trying to send a text message with a Metro PCS phone on a plane – you attempt delivery, but it just won’t go through. The main problem with a lack of communication is that it forces people to jump to their own conclusions.
Ladies want to know the way men think. They’d like to know why we have double standards, why we lie and lead them on, why we’re not upfront, why we’re so afraid to commit, why we don’t completely answer questions, why we have a hard time communicating and when there will be an answer to all of these questions. When men refuse to address the issues, women begin to assume the answers. Some women think a few dinner dates and some intimacy makes a man her boyfriend, while the man is simply enjoying her company. She then begins to expect much more than her date is willing to offer because they’re communicating two different things.
That’s the problem that most men have with women today. We simply don’t understand how “yes” can mean “no” and why “nothing is wrong” means something is definitely wrong and it needs to be addressed not now, but right now. When she says, “just kidding,” she’s telling the damn truth. When she points out something sweet another man does, she wants you to do it too – but make sure you do it better. Telling her she’s acting crazy is the worst way to get her to stop acting crazy. If she looks upset, she’s upset; and she’s mad at you for you not knowing why she’s mad at you. If she asks, “Is that what you’re wearing,” she probably wants you to change. Sometimes she pushes you away to see if you’re willing to come forward. If she leaves upset, follow her. When she cries, it’s best to hold her tight and not say a word. Women test our reactions; they observe and judge our every action, expression, word and gesture. She notices how long it takes you to respond to a text message and analyzes why it took that long. Women create a connection and sense of intimacy through communication; her personal questions aren’t intended to invade your privacy so don’t be afraid to open up.
If you don’t know how to open up, start by actually answering her questions. A great way to emotionally connect to a woman is to simply let her in. Create a way for her to feel something. Share personal stories that she can relate to. The neurons in her brain will actually generate the same response as if she was right there with you sharing the experience. A woman puts into a relationship exactly what she expects out of it. You can’t watch football with the cable unplugged – you can’t function in a relationship with you unplugged. Relationships are useless with no connection. Communication is cable.
Women really aren’t as complicated as we make them out to be – they just want to be loved and express that much differently than men. A woman wants more than anything else to feel emotion. That’s why she tells us about her day when we don’t feel like being bothered or ask us all sorts of detailed questions when we think it’s unnecessary. To her, communication is a way of emotionally connecting on a level deeper than surface. Mental stimulation is better than sex … chivalry is foreplay.
But the communication barrier is so thick simply because men and women think and interpret information differently. The male mind is based on hard facts & reason whereas the female mind responds more to emotion and empathy. Women are natural nurturers and men are natural workers. Ask a man to go to the store for bread & he’ll bring back bread. Ask a woman to go to the store for bread and she’ll bring back groceries. Understanding this basic concept will help us understand our breakdown in communication.
Some of us may be crazy, but we’re not nuts and you damn sure can’t crack us open. Ladies, never attempt to pry or force communication out of a man. The results are similar to prying out teeth, no anesthesia. Be patient with us more, love us harder, and show us that we can count on you. When a dog begins to trust a new houseguest, it’s behavior changes … well you say we’re dogs, right? Women must understand that most men can’t decipher your cryptic code. Psychics aren’t real, so either try to learn the way we communicate or date a psychic. Your tendency to communicate emotionally & inwardly often leaves us confused trying to figure out what you’re really saying. We often wonder what you want, but it’s tragic when you wonder the same thing. Get to know you before you expect a man to.
As simple as men are, we understand that sometimes ladies just don’t get us. Take a look at my “Five Communications Do’s & Don’ts” to help you out.
- Do approach with caution. The four words men hate to hear is “We need to talk.” It’s not what you say; it’s how and when you say it.
- Do acknowledge our efforts. A lot of men won’t admit it, but we require affirmation just like you. So before you communicate that we’re doing something wrong, acknowledge what we’re doing right or even that you know we’re trying.
- Do be upfront … but not “in your face upfront.” I know that sometimes women aren’t blunt to protect a man’s ego, but speak matter-of-factly so that we understand the serious tone and nature of the conversation. When we see that a woman is sure and clear about what she wants, we’ll definitely straighten up and take notice. Most men like direct women because most men are direct, but there is truly an art to approaching us so that we not only receive what you’re communicating, but also open up to you.
- Do find the right time we communicate together effectively. Timing is everything. Sometimes an issue will arise that requires communication and since women are more emotionally driven, she may want to discuss things in the heat of the moment. In the meantime, a logically driven man may want to sleep on it & discuss when our mind is settled. She doesn’t understand our logical argument when she’s arguing emotionally. Forcing communication while emotions are high is like sparking a lighter in a gas factory. The way to come to a compromise about finding the right time to effectively communicate is by communicating when nothings wrong. The best time to talk to us about problems is when there are no problems.
- Do speak in love and pick your battles. Not everything under the sun needs to be communicated. Decide what’s important and what can be figured out overtime or else every day will be another boring board meeting with your boyfriend.
- Don’t get mad at us when we laugh or smile when you’re trying to have serious communication. There’s just something so sexy and so cute about her when she’s mad and trying to have a serious conversation. We’re listening … you’re just sexy!
- Don’t text him 10 times a day to ask over & over where the relationship is going. You have to strike a healthy balance in letting a man know what you stand for & expect, while still allowing progression to happen naturally. As men don’t always go into situations looking for relationships but we get into them because we recognize a good lady when we see one. Forcing yourselves onto us creates a force field around us and blocks you. Set boundaries and state intentions early and you won’t have to bring up “the talk” at all because we’ll gladly do it for you.
- Don’t always have something to say. Sometimes communication is simply listening. Just like you need to vent, at times we need to vent and prefer you just listen.
- Don’t communicate problems in public. If you’re out with friends and an issue occurs, keep your class and wait until you’re behind closed doors to discuss it. Maintain your relationship’s privacy and integrity because you’ll eventually forget about your public blow-up but friends & family won’t & some will be happy to always remind you.
- Don’t ignore body language. 55% of communication is non-verbal, 38% is vocal (pitch, speed, volume, tone of voice) and only 7% is actual words. So listen to what we do. If we’ve scheduled a time to talk about something and we look like we’re not in the mood for discussion but we made an effort to discuss anyway, just change the subject. It can wait and we’ll love you for it.
- Don’t focus on what we’re NOT saying. Forget what you’d like us to say, take us at face value. It’s a known fact that we speak different languages, but most of the time our communication doesn’t require interpretation. As we understand that we’re both saying the same thing, just saying it differently, then we can begin to move forward in understanding one another. Don’t dive deep into shallow water.
THIS JUST IN: Text messaging has been arrested in the attempted murder of effective communication. Text tried to kill real conversation. If all he does is send you words over a mobile device, it isn’t a real relationship. Oral communication is an intimate act so if a man goes as far as reaching out to pick up a phone and call or wants to talk a lady in person, he’s definitely interested. Now back to your program already in progress.
Communication killed assumptions! The more we attempt to effectively communicate with each other, the more we can begin to love one another. Men and women desire the same thing – to be loved. It’s the way in which we seek out love and attention that causes so much friction. We may speak different languages but that’s the beauty of it. Love is the language that a deaf woman can hear and a blind mind can see. We need to kill this senseless Venus vs. Mars act that’s been going on for decades. We need ladies and they need us. It’s not Venus vs. Mars, it’s Venus with Mars. Let’s focus on everything right with us, instead of everything wrong with us. Learn to appreciate, enjoy and love our differences instead of shunning them; it’s what makes us beautiful.