The Good Girl Dilemma
I once had a conversation with a good friend of mine about a girl he was talking to. He seemed to like her so I asked him a simple question guys ask guys when speaking of newfound interests – ‘is she wifey material?’ Upon being asked this question, my friend paused. The pause was noticeable, even over the phone. His answer was ‘naw.’ I asked him ‘why not?’ He said, ‘I smashed too quickly.’
The girl wanted the spot. She wanted the opportunity to fill the role of girlfriend. But her urgency to engage in sexual activity with my friend, thinking it would serve as a positive in the courting process, turned into a negative. She had no idea that what she was doing was putting her in a place of no return. A place where wifey potential goes one way or another. A place good girls go to die.
I once had a conversation with a good friend of mine about a guy she was talking to. She couldn’t decide whether or not it was a good time to sleep with him. She was willing to sleep with him because she liked him. She was also willing to wait because she liked him and wanted to take it slow. His reaction to her decision would say what kind of guy she was dealing with. Her decision would determine what type of girl he would explain to his boys he was dealing with. Either way, she was at risk of losing him as well as reputation points.
Among the female population is a state of confusion that is quite understandable. What type of girl do you need to be to find the man of your dreams? For someone like myself who likes to provide answers, I honestly do not have one.
Hence, ‘the good girl dilemma.’
There comes a moment in every (real) man’s life when the ripping and running comes to a halt. The desire to accumulate as many notches on a belt built on immaturity and ego wanes and the thoughts of adulthood start to cloud the judgment of a former teenager.
This moment arrives at different times for every man. But there isn’t a scientific way of knowing that if you’re a woman. So you, a woman, have to sit back and ask yourself what it is that you have or need to offer in order to secure this man as your companion. The easy answer is sex but that’s where any and all problems arise and what the good girl dilemma is centered around.
I have a friend who runs through chicks. He enjoys the pursuit of women and he enjoys the culmination of his efforts. But he also would like to find a good girl to build a bond with, to be his backbone, to be the girl of his dreams. So even though he is in search of his soul’s counterpoint in another (yes, I stole that from ‘Wedding Crashers’), he doesn’t mind plowing down the trees and shrubbery in the process. He still gives into his lustful ways as a stop-gap before arriving at the footsteps of the one he truly wants to be with.
Now many of the girls he’s run through have probably considered themselves to be ‘good girls.’ And many of them probably are. I know plenty of sexually expressive females who are truly good women. But depending on the guy, that sexual expression will be taken as a good thing or a bad thing.
I’ve had female friends say the saddening lines of ‘I just want him to like me’ or ‘He only likes me because…’ when they are sadly misunderstanding that their love for themselves will determine his love for them. If you want to wait, then wait. If he waits with you, then he might be worth something. If he doesn’t, he wasn’t worthy of you, his moment of maturity hasn’t arrived yet and you need to move on.
Every man wants a woman he can floss. A woman he can put out in front of the world and be happy to claim her. He wants a good girl. Unfortunately, that definition is skewered across the male species. A good girl can mean a virgin. A good girl can mean she’s sexually active but selective. A good girl can mean she’s willing and able but you have to put in work for a really long time first. A good girl can mean she’s waiting till marriage. Different guys will have different reactions to each girl and a girl running into the wrong reaction can make her question whether or not her version of the good girl is the correct one.
I consider myself a good guy looking for a good girl. I’ve had girls misconstrue my physical wants as a male as me liking them on a relationship level. In many ways, I’m apologetic for that part of my nature. But if you don’t allow it, it isn’t yearned for as earnestly and a man begins to satisfy his physical attraction with everything else the woman brings to the table and the ability to one day say that he earned, worked for and deserved everything she physically gave to him later.
In the end, a man wants a good girl. But knowing if he is that man and what type of good girl he truly desires is something I can not answer. It is a dilemma I can not solve.
And for that, I am sorry.