The Good Girl Dilemma

I once had a conversation with a good friend of mine about a girl he was talking to. He seemed to like her so I asked him a simple question guys ask guys when speaking of newfound interests – ‘is she wifey material?’ Upon being asked this question, my friend paused. The pause was noticeable, even over the phone. His answer was ‘naw.’ I asked him ‘why not?’ He said, ‘I smashed too quickly.’

The girl wanted the spot. She wanted the opportunity to fill the role of girlfriend. But her urgency to engage in sexual activity with my friend, thinking it would serve as a positive in the courting process, turned into a negative. She had no idea that what she was doing was putting her in a place of no return. A place where wifey potential goes one way or another. A place good girls go to die.

I once had a conversation with a good friend of mine about a guy she was talking to. She couldn’t decide whether or not it was a good time to sleep with him. She was willing to sleep with him because she liked him. She was also willing to wait because she liked him and wanted to take it slow. His reaction to her decision would say what kind of guy she was dealing with. Her decision would determine what type of girl he would explain to his boys he was dealing with. Either way, she was at risk of losing him as well as reputation points.

Among the female population is a state of confusion that is quite understandable. What type of girl do you need to be to find the man of your dreams? For someone like myself who likes to provide answers, I honestly do not have one.

Hence, ‘the good girl dilemma.’

There comes a moment in every (real) man’s life when the ripping and running comes to a halt. The desire to accumulate as many notches on a belt built on immaturity and ego wanes and the thoughts of adulthood start to cloud the judgment of a former teenager.

This moment arrives at different times for every man. But there isn’t a scientific way of knowing that if you’re a woman. So you, a woman, have to sit back and ask yourself what it is that you have or need to offer in order to secure this man as your companion. The easy answer is sex but that’s where any and all problems arise and what the good girl dilemma is centered around.

I have a friend who runs through chicks. He enjoys the pursuit of women and he enjoys the culmination of his efforts. But he also would like to find a good girl to build a bond with, to be his backbone, to be the girl of his dreams. So even though he is in search of his soul’s counterpoint in another (yes, I stole that from ‘Wedding Crashers’), he doesn’t mind plowing down the trees and shrubbery in the process. He still gives into his lustful ways as a stop-gap before arriving at the footsteps of the one he truly wants to be with.

Now many of the girls he’s run through have probably considered themselves to be ‘good girls.’ And many of them probably are. I know plenty of sexually expressive females who are truly good women. But depending on the guy, that sexual expression will be taken as a good thing or a bad thing.

I’ve had female friends say the saddening lines of ‘I just want him to like me’ or ‘He only likes me because…’ when they are sadly misunderstanding that their love for themselves will determine his love for them. If you want to wait, then wait. If he waits with you, then he might be worth something. If he doesn’t, he wasn’t worthy of you, his moment of maturity hasn’t arrived yet and you need to move on.

Every man wants a woman he can floss. A woman he can put out in front of the world and be happy to claim her. He wants a good girl. Unfortunately, that definition is skewered across the male species. A good girl can mean a virgin. A good girl can mean she’s sexually active but selective. A good girl can mean she’s willing and able but you have to put in work for a really long time first. A good girl can mean she’s waiting till marriage. Different guys will have different reactions to each girl and a girl running into the wrong reaction can make her question whether or not her version of the good girl is the correct one.

I consider myself a good guy looking for a good girl. I’ve had girls misconstrue my physical wants as a male as me liking them on a relationship level. In many ways, I’m apologetic for that part of my nature. But if you don’t allow it, it isn’t yearned for as earnestly and a man begins to satisfy his physical attraction with everything else the woman brings to the table and the ability to one day say that he earned, worked for and deserved everything she physically gave to him later.

In the end, a man wants a good girl. But knowing if he is that man and what type of good girl he truly desires is something I can not answer. It is a dilemma I can not solve.

And for that, I am sorry.

-Ronald P. Clark

21 Comments

  1. Good post Ron. however I have to believe if women set a standard for themselves, (i.e. not giving it up to secure him rather giviing it up because you love him) then the good girl image won’t be a dilemma. Women often break their rules to try and get a man or secure a man. I tell women this all the time. If he likes you then he will pursue you regardless if you are giving it up or not. Once you compromise who you are then you have compromised any relationship you will establish.

    Posted by Rob on 30 August 10 at 10:36am
  2. I think the good girl dilemma is some shit we men made up so we have the option of not settling down. I think Andree 3000 said it best in the love below “I don’t give a shit about giving it up on the first night. That just let me know; she knows what she wants out of life.” If she’s the one, then it doesn’t matter when she gives it up, because she’s going to give it up anyway. A healthy sexual appetite has nothing to do with being good or bad. I have met some “good girls” who were boring in bed, and because they were “too good” I didn’t want to be with them. I met some “bad girls” that were awesome in bed, and I never wanted to leave them. It all preference; if a man likes a woman enough he will be with her no matter the circumstances. I think that is what it means to be in love.

    Posted by Phillip Amerson on 30 August 10 at 10:43am
  3. Really and truly, to me it all comes down to one statement that you made in the third paragraph from the bottom.

    “A good girl can mean a virgin. A good girl can mean she’s sexually active but selective. A good girl can mean she’s willing and able but you have to put in work for a really long time first. A good girl can mean she’s waiting till marriage. Different guys will have different reactions to each girl and a girl running into the wrong reaction can make her question whether or not her version of the good girl is the correct one.”

    I’m a believer that there’s someone for everyone. With that being said, the fact that a guy and a girl don’t come to the mutual quasi-agreement when the right time is to sleep with one another is often a blessing in disguise. The fact that we all have different sexual habits, desires, and timeframes is, at least in my opinion, a good way to determine if you are dealing with a like minded person. And though they say opposites attract, like-mindedness in a relationship is much more valuable in the long-run.

    For example, if a guy and a girl take it there early in their relationship (or courtship) and that serves as validation that they like one another, then they have a good chance of the relationship working from that standpoint. Many people do indeed think like that, both men and women. Conversely, if there’s early sexual conflict either way I think that its a red flag to both parties. In other words, if you’re a guy and you can’t wait then that could be a red flag for the girl. If you’re a girl and you freeze the guy out and he can’t take it, then it is what it is – ya’ll are probably just not right for one another. However your sexual behavior as it relates to relationships is, you WILL find someone of the opposite sex (or same sex if that’s how you roll) who agrees with the way you choose to approach the prospect of taking the relationship to the physical level.

    Therefore, in my opinion, girls and guys both should just not stress and move on when the person they’re dating doesn’t share their sexual style. Since sexuality is such a large part of many people’s lives its not worth it to second guess yourself when you should just go out and find someone who is ready, willing, and able to accept your boundaries (or in some cases, your desires).

    Posted by Donovan Johnson on 30 August 10 at 1:19pm
  4. Interesting article, although I must say the act of sex itself is not the only thing that changes a man’s perspective of a woman or vice versa. It’s the context in which the act takes place. When the motives behind sex aren’t aligned between two people, that’s when the difficulty sets in. So what is the motive? Sometimes it may be a notch on the belt. Sometimes it’s it to make the other person like you more. Or is it to share an incredibly intimate moment with someone you enjoy spending time with? The issue is compounded when a woman’s view of herself worth is low and everywhere you look sex sells.

    Honestly, I think the real good girl dilemma comes in when a guy meets a girl with attributes that are desired in a wife, and he mistakenly identifies her as someone who is clingy or wanting a serious relationship or even marriage at that very moment. Instead of admitting that he likes her, he acts upon this accusation and ultimately pushes her away, leading her to think that maybe something is wrong with her, especially when all she did was be herself. What’s your take on that?

    Posted by S. Doc on 30 August 10 at 3:25pm
  5. I agree completely. I’ve been the good girl thinking you’ve got a good man, only to be sorely disappointed.

    And then, I’ve been the good girl that made the good man wait. And wait. And wait until we were married. And then I realized I didn’t just find a good man.

    I found an awesome man.

    And that’s the difference.

    One day, if not now, there’s a woman that knows you’re not just a “good” man.

    Posted by Jillayne on 30 August 10 at 3:33pm
  6. reading this was very educational to an extent ron. once again i am amazed at the literature you present everytime. i STRONGLY agree with this in every aspect. that paragraph:

    “A good girl can mean a virgin. A good girl can mean she’s sexually active but selective. A good girl can mean she’s willing and able but you have to put in work for a really long time first. A good girl can mean she’s waiting till marriage. Different guys will have different reactions to each girl and a girl running into the wrong reaction can make her question whether or not her version of the good girl is the correct one.”

    you don’t meet a man, a PERSON that realizes there isn’t such SINGLE definition of a ‘good girl’… to each person is what they consider as this. some people have different likings and that is so important for people to understand. but again, GREAT article.

    Posted by Nani on 30 August 10 at 3:50pm
  7. I dig this. very well written and here is where I’ll throw my 2 cents… *TOSS* There is no definition of GOOD, wait, rather there are MANY definitions of GOOD. I would just say to all the women out there FIND A MAN THAT THINKS YOUR A GOOD GIRL… And do WHAT YOU WANT… dont try to predict what a man will or wont do if you say yes or no to having sex with him. JUST DO YOU! The worst thing women do for men and Men do for Women is TRY TO BE GOOD… as in put on a front to SECURE the R-ship. and one line i disagreed with was “If you want to wait, then wait. If he waits with you, then he might be worth something. If he doesn’t, he wasn’t worthy of you, his moment of maturity hasn’t arrived yet and you need to move on.” — even if dude wont wait for you doesnt mean he is immature or not worthy of you and ON THE FLIP a man that WILL wait for you doesnt mean he’s a good dude. … I’ll be back to view responses later… KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK RON. follow me @ImTooNonFiction

    Posted by Aubrey Douglas on 30 August 10 at 6:24pm
  8. It’s as simple as this: women do as you please (sex or no sex) you hold the key. Don’t worry about trying to secure someone. They’ll stay if they want to and if not then let them go.

    Why is sex still used as a token for or against women but for men it’s only a positive?

    Posted by svn on 30 August 10 at 6:33pm
  9. Yo I do not believe that men ever really want to ever settle down. People fall in love all the time. Why does that mean that they should get married and be with that person for the rest of their lives. The only reason men say she is the one or that she is wifey is because we are taught to. We are literally taught that around the ages of 25 and up that it is now time to get married. For What. WHY!! “Cause I LOVE her man” so love her, why does that have to come with marriage. It’s like going to Wendy’s and only asking for a spicy chicken and the guy says would like the meal. NO!!!!!! Why can’t I just have the chicken. Maybe I do not want the side of Fires and a Drink! Sorry Guys! Just got out of a Relationship so I am a little upset. But it’s still true!

    Posted by Kwas on 30 August 10 at 6:33pm
  10. Very well written because its something women are dealing with everywhere, everyday….it doesn’t have an easy answer since it varies from man to man, but very enlightening on what is going on in the male head…the one above the neck:-)

    Posted by SoDaygoinLA on 30 August 10 at 6:46pm
  11. Life in general is a dilemma, but when it comes to relationships, it can be a bitch. I’ve been on both sides of the double edged sword and I think the bottom line is this. It depends on who you are, if you know yourself, and if you allow yourself to learn from the experiences you go through in life. No matter who the person is, if you stay true to others as well as yourself, a dilemma can be become an awakening.

    Posted by Dominique Jon'a on 30 August 10 at 8:34pm
  12. Oh and good post Ron!

    Posted by Dominique Jon'a on 30 August 10 at 8:34pm
  13. Well said and thought out young man. I’m very impressed with your insight. In one way you elaborated on something I simply state to women that I care for and hope the best for, “just say no”. If he stays, he just may be “the one”. But if he goes, let him. It wasn’t your heart he was after in the first place.

    Sex is not about love, it’s just one of the fringe benefits. You can find “sex” anywhere but love is from the “inside out” and a rare jewel. Because when the body goes and believe me, it does, you are left with the one “inside”. And if you don’t love that person inside her/him, you’ll find yourself alone…

    Just an old man talkin’.

    Posted by Ronald L. Clark on 30 August 10 at 10:02pm
  14. I agree. Recently, I’ve been thinking of my past relations and with a lady currently in my sights i wanna make sure she doesn’t have the same “fatal” flaws alot of my previous relationships have and this is definitely one of the areas that I’ve been thinking over.

    Posted by TDunlap on 30 August 10 at 10:16pm
  15. Well written Ronald Clark. I think you touched on all aspects of this “dilemma.”

    The interesting thing here is how society only views “good” in terms of girls/females. No one ever really considers the fact that we don’t want the guy who’s been around the world and back again. Women are socialized to be the “good” girls (whatever that means) to the guy so that he can have something special, untouched, prized even. Meanwhile, she’ll often end up with someone who has more experience than can be counted on one hand.

    In regards to “keeping” or “securing” a man. Is there an answer for that? Probably not. Everyone, male or female, just has to be true to themselves and what they feel comfortable doing. Like many have said, if that means waiting, fine…if not, there are double standards, consequences, reactions, etc., that come along with that and that should be understood. Nothing should be done without an assessment of why one is doing it. Most importantly, nothing should be done in desperation, ie. “I just want him to like me.” If he likes/loves you…its going to be so prior to removal of panties.

    My mother always said “you have more control that you know.” While I used to laugh at this, it’s pretty true. This has obviously fallen to pieces as girls are now needing guys for validation more than ever. This is an even larger issue that likely has something to do with lack of strong familial environments and influences, but that is another debate for another day. Nothing should be done for the validation of anyone other than oneself. Not even society. The latter will certainly have you feeling like if you’re 25 and single, you have work to do, because nothing else you’ve done matters, really.

    Women are socialized to be a part of a whole and never whole in themselves. It’s why we can have everything and still be made to feel like nothing. Kanye West said it best “trade it all for a husband and some kids.” Meanwhile guys can be amazing bachelors without being made to feel like nothing.

    This can go on and on. Good piece, Ronald Clark.

    Posted by Lauren on 30 August 10 at 11:19pm
  16. I thought it was a great post. And, in spite of your apology, am very amused that YOU do not have all the answers ;)
    But I think it’s because there is no real answer. Things cannot be as cut and dry as generalization would require, cannot be simplified into boys and girls/men and women (trust, I learned this recently trying to teach my two-year-old how to decipher the difference!!). But I will say this: I agree with you and many of your commenters that it’s a personal decision. Women — and men — need to do what makes them comfortable, for the sake of making themselves happy, and stop trying to please every fly-by-night-almost-a-potential-mate that comes along because of some damn biological clock. When one is comfortable and happy with himself (or herself), it makes that person MUCH more attractive to others.

    Posted by Autumn on 31 August 10 at 5:10am
  17. Why you’re not married, I do not know. You always know what to say even when you dont have an answer. I love these.

    That being said, I believe women think too hard about these things. The answer I give: if he can’t accept your decision (like you said), then it’s not worth it. If she’s trying to decide when he will still like her in the morning, she’s thinking too hard about what he wants instead of the other way around. And, if she “just wants him to like me,” she needs more confidence in herself. In my experience, every man prefers confidence over sex.

    But, what do I truly know?

    Posted by Chistina on 31 August 10 at 6:47am
  18. Good article. Life is too short and time is too precious to waste it with an individual that is not equally yoked. We should never compromise our morals or beliefs for they are the core of our being. As said in the article, we (men and women) look too much towards sex to validate our relationships rather than putting the effort and leg work into actions that will mentally, emotionally, financially and spiritually sustain it.

    Ultimately both parties must be on the same page. Person A can’t be on a relationship page and Person B on a booty-call page. It just won’t work. Communication is the key and if I think if we had better communication between men and women, fewer feelings will be hurt and less time will be wasted on relationships that have no future.

    Posted by T.M.Johnson on 31 August 10 at 4:51pm
  19. #Dope

    Hit that on the nail bruh

    Posted by Richard W. on 01 September 10 at 2:15pm
  20. The dilema from a male point of view is crazy also.Because if your atracted to a woman you want to have sex with her.You will probably try to have sex with her.In the moment you want her to say yes, however in the long run you will end up happier if she says no and makes you wait.

    Posted by Vince on 06 September 10 at 6:03pm
  21. Listen, as a woman I just can’t help but get sick at reading something like this. Seriously, I haven’t read here (in your post or the comments) that one of the reasons a woman would have sex with a man she is dating is because… SHE WANTS TO. What the hell? I’ve had sex for different reasons (whether in a serious relationship or not) but not ONCE was it for one of those very ridiculous reasons you guys are giving (yes, I know some women might do it as trying to play some kind of game, keep the guy or whatever. I can only speak for myself that when I made those decisions was because I felt confortable with them and not trying to “keep” a guy or “get him to like me more” because I wasn’t born yesterday and sex really isn’t some kind of spell you can put on men.) but this whole discussion seems to ignore that sex is an enjoyable activity for both men and women, and while as you all seem to believe it’s perfectly ok for a guy to “score” with many women and as quickly or as slow as she’ll let him, the woman’s decision automatically defines her as “wife” material or a “slut” or whatever box you want to put her in based on some ridiculous notion that you might have about how a woman should express her sexuality based on her self-worth. So, how about getting to know someone and trying to understand where they are coming from? and that they have as much right as you to want sex or not, and to make that decision based on how they feel about it?

    Posted by offended on 01 February 11 at 12:30pm