The Weekly Slap Presents The Day Before The Crowning
Are we really at this point? Are we really one game away from seeing the self-proclaimed King James finally crowned with the only jewelry that truly matters? It sure seems that way. With LeBron James and the Miami Heat up 3-1 over the Oklahoma City Thunder, the Heat are one win away from their second championship as an organization and the first title of James’ much criticized and over-analyzed nine-year career. So, as always, EDGE has asked Ronald Clark and Justin Tinsley to give us their insight. Here we go…
Ronald: Justin. My friend. My colleague. My brother from another mother. You are the biggest LeBron James fan I know. The most loyal, the most tortured, the most real fan there is when it comes to the ‘Rogaine spokesperson that never was’. I have to ask you this simple, simple question. How are you doing?
Justin: I’m doing fine. Another day above ground is a good one. And yes, I am a LeBron James fan. Where are you going with this?
Ronald: Just curious if you had heard anything about this Game 5 that’s supposed to happen on Thursday.
Justin: Ron, I have no clue what you’re talking about. If it’s some kind of basketball game you’re talking about, I haven’t heard about it. There’s this book club meeting at my local library I planned on attending. And we all know how crazy those things can be. People act batsh*t crazy once they get some Welch’s Grape Juice in them. I wouldn’t miss it for anything on the planet.
Ronald: So you are unaware that the man they call The Chosen One, King James, The Hairline, The Headband, The Ringless Wonder, is possibly going to win his first title? You don’t know that he is playing the best basketball of his life on the same stage that he practically shat himself in last season? Naw son, I know this can’t be true. You are well aware of what’s happening here. Some things you just can’t hide from. Just like how I just can’t hide from the fact that I will have nothing else to say about this clown if he wins one so I’ll have to revert all my energy to The Big Pansy in Orlando. You got to have some level of excitement that all the naysayers can finally kiss your Alpha Phi Alpha pledging ass as soon as this dude finally puts the nail in the Oklahoma City coffin. Right? Right?!
Justin: You know, I hear rumors of this happening, but every time I turn on the TV it’s either a Mitt Romney ad dissing President Obama or vice versa. I hear he’s playing great, and I hope he finishes the deal this series. But no, I can’t say I’m aware of this. Keep me posted on it though. And hey, don’t talk about Dwight Howard like that. He’s a stand up guy who cuts no corners, knows what he wants out of life and is, above all, LOYAL.
Ronald: The hell is happening? You’re watching Romney-Obama ads and defending The Big Pansy, while not watching the NBA Finals? Why the hell am I watching them then? I got women to text, screenplays to write and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to make. I got things to do. If someone is reading us for the first time, they’d be confused on who we are and I can’t have that. State your name gangsta. Say who you are, man. Let these people know the deal. Tell them that you are currently holding back both tears of joy as well as venom to spew at all those who chastised you for being a LeBron enabler all these years. Speak up, partna. The floor is yours. You only get this chance once. I hear LeBron is retiring after this season just to piss off more people. Decision Part Two if you will, with all proceeds going to support Antonio Cromartie’s kids.
Justin: He should. Just to show everyone how much they need him in the NBA. Still though, you need to start hitting me with a tweet or a text when these games are coming on man. It sounds like I’m missing some halfway decent television. I have no ill will or disdain in my heart for anybody man. What are you talking about? Everything’s great in the sports world. Your home state Kings won the Stanley Cup. Josh Hamilton is killing it for the Texas Rangers. We’re coming up on the hot dog eating contest on Independence Day. Ron, again, I ask, what sports are you watching, bro? My sports life is great over here. The only real question I have is if He Wenna can go back-to-back gold medals in Olympic trampolining. Now THAT, my friend, will be some riveting television. Wouldn’t you agree?
Ronald: Really? Really, dude? Olympic trampolining? And what the hell is a He Wenna? Baseball isn’t even a real thing. The fact that hot dog eating is shown on TV is almost as bad as Wendy Williams not being selected with the no. 1 pick in last year’s NFL Draft (she was the highest-rated linebacker on my big board). And the fact that hockey had to rig its playoffs just to stay relevant is a topic for another day. But I’m ridding you of your man card, your fan card, your Hampton education, your light-skinned male membership, your Twitter participation AND your ability to date any woman above a 6.5 (your peak would be something like Jesse from ‘Saved By The Bell’ prior to ‘Showgirls’). Quit with the shenanigans. We all want to hear it. We all want to hear what is boiling inside of your LeBron James-sized head. Yeah, I went there. LeBron and his wack ass cramps. Felt like throwing some Midol at the screen. I know women stronger than him and I meet new ones all the time. They have the strength of 100 LeBrons, with the ability to take on anything. Cramps? It’s nothing to them. Shrug them off then run a household, get an education, get a promotion then cook an awesome dinner before putting their man to sleep with an awesome display of bedroom glory. Those are true champions. Not LeBron. Are you worried he’ll finally show his true colors and choke like students in a Karrine Steffans beginners class? Are you worried that all the energy you’ve put into him will come back and bite you all over again? Are you afraid that LeBron, even in this moment where all the stars are aligned, will still find a way to piss all over your dreams? Is that what this is? Huh? Huh? Huh?! Let it all out, Tins! LET.IT.ALL.OUT!!!!!!
Justin: Hmmm. That’s it. That’s f*ckin’ it. Here I am attempting to maintain my Phil Jackson-like Zen and you just come throw it all out of the window. You know what? I have been watching the Finals. And you know what else? I’ve enjoyed them. I’ve enjoyed LeBron show the world why he is the best player on God’s blue and green Earth. I’ve enjoyed watching him display numbers we haven’t seen since the Civil Rights Movement. I’ve enjoyed seeing him go toe-to-toe with the second best player in the league (Kevin Durant) and “hold” him to 38 points and six turnovers this series. I’ve enjoyed it all. LeBron James is the best thing with a basketball in his hand, and by the grace of God and the heavens above, Thursday night will prove what I have been preaching ever since the rumor was he would declare pro after his junior year in high school – HE IS THE FACE OF BASKETBALL.
You happy now? I don’t care either way because I’m not done. And if by a stroke of destiny Miami closes it out on Thursday in Game 5, I cannot wait to see LeBron James hoist that Finals MVP trophy. The same one thousands once said Dwyane Wade would win. Well, look, I hate to piss in your cornflakes, but I’m going to sh*t in them now. LeBron James is the face, muscle and receding hairline of the Miami Heat and they ain’t winning sh*t without him, Jack! And pending Thursday night goes the way I plan it to, I can’t wait to hear all the hairline jokes now. You know what? His hair is falling out. You know what? There is a line shining off his forehead. But you know what it is? IT’LL BE THE LIGHT FROM HIS MOTHERF*CKING RING! Look, man, no one wants LeBron to get a ring more than I do. It’s been the only thing I’ve thought about sports-wise since the season started. I know, it’s sad. I’ve obsessed over a ring. I don’t give a damn at this point. LeBron James is one of the 10 best basketball players to ever step foot on a court. All I need is this title to prove this claim. In the words of the late great Chad Butler (Pimp C), y’all gonna smell my cologne! And I don’t give a damn if you like it or not.
Ronald: Sheesh. Dude, like, forreal though, nobody asked for all that. Talk about unnecessary. Chill. Pill. Gosh.
Justin: What? You’ve gotta be kidding me. Son of a b*tch